No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you feel powerless. Powerless. Children, I imagine, feel this way quite often--the Howler, feels it to the extreme every blessed minute of every day.
I've seen movies that made me very uncomfortable because of the overwhelming powerlessness of the characters in the face of the enemy. Terminator 2 comes to mind--how do you stop a monster that simply will not stop?
In real life, there is very little that frightens me--but I have seen the Enemy, and it's name is IRS.
Understanding the motivations, even having a smidgen of comprehension that it's all legal, does not help the feeling of overwhelming powerlessness.
When the IRS knocks, EVERYONE is afraid. Attorneys and CPAs listen politely until you get to the part where you want their advice (paid? HAH! Keep your money--you're gonna need it! The IRS is gonna take it!)
It's frustrating. There's no place to begin. There's no explainations--and no one wants to offer any. The IRS "Help Line" is a series of "press one now," but even taking consolation in the fact that it's in English, there's no real help there.
The best part? Knowing that if you're lucky, you're gonna get out with your skin (and maybe your firstborn--although, all things considered this past year, I might be willing to trade them...) but no one cares.
Mention the IRS and NO ONE wants to know. Don't ask, don't tell, don't listen! It's like being an entire leper colony.
So, on Day #3 of this particular ordeal, we're still breathing, reeling, and most likely, deluding ourselves into thinking that this will EVER be over.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
*That* Time of Year
This is my dad. From a long time ago--when I was a little girl. I don't know the date the pic was taken.
It's that time of year--the time of year I think about my dad, A LOT.
Today would have been his 73rd birthday, and Wednesday marks the 19th anniversary of his death.
Needless to say, I'm gonna be depressed this week.
Some years, it breezes by and hardly bothers me. Some years, I start in February and stay in a deep funk until the end of June. This year, I've hit the grumpies and it seems to be hovering just off my radar screen to fly by and whack me every couple of days.
I'm sure I'm just a peachy hunk of love this week.
Anyway, I posted this, for Scribbit's Write Away contest. (And I have apparently become link-obsessed in that last sentence.)
Mostly, what I miss is the opportunity to show my dad how I turned out as a Mom (It was touch-and-go for about the first 19 years), and I miss not knowing his thoughts on the Howler.
What I do have is a quick, off-center sense of humor that is absolutely from him. My sense of the ridiculous definitely comes from him. He could get me to laugh at myself, no matter how badly I did not want to.
I miss being able to tell him how I understand a bunch of stuff I didn't before. And how I messed up those promises--I did the best I could, but I still got some (all?) of it wrong.
As always when this happens, I am amazed at how sharp the loss still feels--even after 19 years. How sometimes, even when fully awake, I'll find myself thinking that I need to get home and remember to tell him something.
Yes, even after all this time. I've been told that it never really goes away entirely--it's something you carry with you and get to feel welling up inside you every now and then.
So, this is my Dad--who I miss very much right now.
Now, since I've depressed everyone in this hemisphere, I'd like to share one of the funniest stories about my dad:
*phone rings*
Dad: Hello?
D: No, he's up on the roof.
D: No, she's up there with him.
D: How the hell should I know? I'm down here talking to you.
D: Okay, I'll tell.......OH MY GOD! THEY JUST FELL OFF! CALL BACK LATER! *click*
We'd been getting calls for "Pat" and "Rhonda" since the late 70's, when our town added a second phone exchange. After having answered the "wrong number" for Pat and Rhonda for YEARS, this is how he got the calls to stop for a while. (And this is the inspiration I use when getting a run of calls for one of their boys--Ryan and Mike.)
I heard this conversation for myself--it's not hearsay. He really did say these things, just as they appear here.
See, I really do come by it honestly.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Help!
I'm on the phone and she won't shut up!
A ten minute conversation about the cucumber she just bought is better than a 30 minute story about Squirrel Bait and Loser Boy, BUT it's still more than I care to know--
A ten minute conversation about the cucumber she just bought is better than a 30 minute story about Squirrel Bait and Loser Boy, BUT it's still more than I care to know--
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
April Fools
So, today is a day of pranks, practical jokes, and, what amounts to being a free-for-all in the stupid insenstive and rude arena.
Instead of telling you about the greatest practical jokes I've ever pulled (there have been a few) I'm going to tell you all how to pull off a good prank without losing friends, family, or your job.
There are 3 criteria you must meet (and yeah, I do mean ALL three) in order for it to be a GOOD practical joke. (and by GOOD, I mean, one that gets talked about for years to come, is remembered fondly, and others patiently wait next year while interviewing future victims.)
1. It is not publicly humiliating (actually, humiliation is not really a good thing--public or private, BUT, a little humiliation, in private, is good for everyone)
2. It does not damage or endanger person(s) or property in any way. This means, folks, that if it's going to cost someone money to repair their property or involve a trip (or even the possibility) to the emergency room, IT'S NOT FUNNY. Do Not Go There.
3. It would still be funny if someone did it to you. This is pretty clear--and if someone DID it to you, and you were pissed off AT ALL, do not do it to someone else.
These are no-brainers. If you don't like being lied to, even as a joke, don't lie to me to make the joke. If you don't want to spend YOUR money to get my electricity turned back on, don't get it turned off. If you don't want to spend 2 hours carefully cutting your car out of shrink wrap, don't wrap mine. If you don't want everyone you work with to see your ass, don't try to make me show mine. Pretty easy stuff--stuff that even 5 year olds can grasp.
With that said, I'll tell you about the #1 greatest Practical Joke I Pulled Off EVER:
I used to work in an office. The position I had employed staggered hours--there were days when I had to be there "early" (and thus, left work "early) and days were, due to deadlines, the day, for me, started "late" and ended "late."
One person I worked with had a similarly warped sense of humor, and, being the only man in the department, was an easy "target." He was very particular about his coffee cup, and the condition of his desk. His hours were 30 minutes earlier than mine, so, of course, this meant that I had essentially unsupervised access to his coffee cup and desk for approximately 30 minutes a day.
One day (not April Fool's) I decided that I was going to "get him" and play this joke. I took his cup and washed it (I would not risk cold coffee dregs splashing), dried it, and carefully used clear packing tape to tape his cup to his desk--in precisely the position he left it.
I had forgotten that the next day I had a "late" day--and not only would I miss seeing my joke in action, he would have essentially unsupervised access to MY desk.
By the time I arrived, EVERYONE in our department was aware of what would happen. They were expecting me to be majorly pissed off--I hadn't worked there very long, and they didn't know my criteria for a good practical joke.
He had, in his unsupervised time, effectively taped or glued down EVERY thing on my desk that could be. I spend the day not being able to move or use things unless I first un stuck them.
I spent the day laughing. I especially remember the tiny nubbin of a pink eraser--smaller than your thumbnail--being taped down, and answering my phone....and having to shout and ask "What?!" a lot because the hand piece had been taped down, and the tape didn't come off on the desk part--I was talking thru the tape to customers.
The only thing that upset me is that he took my "special" memo pad (it had the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz and the 'memo' of "If I only had a brain", and I have never found one even similar since) and glued ALL the pages together. At the end of the day, I quietly told him that while everything else was funny, that was unfair--and I explained to him why.
We spent the next 6 years playing jokes on each other this way--my favorite was to take already existing pics of him, photo copy them bigger or smaller, and place them in Far Side cartoons, or making up fake personal ads and taping them into his daily newspaper.
So, you see, being able to TAKE joke is just as important as being able to pull one off.
Happy Foolin'.....and let's all be careful out there.
Instead of telling you about the greatest practical jokes I've ever pulled (there have been a few) I'm going to tell you all how to pull off a good prank without losing friends, family, or your job.
There are 3 criteria you must meet (and yeah, I do mean ALL three) in order for it to be a GOOD practical joke. (and by GOOD, I mean, one that gets talked about for years to come, is remembered fondly, and others patiently wait next year while interviewing future victims.)
1. It is not publicly humiliating (actually, humiliation is not really a good thing--public or private, BUT, a little humiliation, in private, is good for everyone)
2. It does not damage or endanger person(s) or property in any way. This means, folks, that if it's going to cost someone money to repair their property or involve a trip (or even the possibility) to the emergency room, IT'S NOT FUNNY. Do Not Go There.
3. It would still be funny if someone did it to you. This is pretty clear--and if someone DID it to you, and you were pissed off AT ALL, do not do it to someone else.
These are no-brainers. If you don't like being lied to, even as a joke, don't lie to me to make the joke. If you don't want to spend YOUR money to get my electricity turned back on, don't get it turned off. If you don't want to spend 2 hours carefully cutting your car out of shrink wrap, don't wrap mine. If you don't want everyone you work with to see your ass, don't try to make me show mine. Pretty easy stuff--stuff that even 5 year olds can grasp.
With that said, I'll tell you about the #1 greatest Practical Joke I Pulled Off EVER:
I used to work in an office. The position I had employed staggered hours--there were days when I had to be there "early" (and thus, left work "early) and days were, due to deadlines, the day, for me, started "late" and ended "late."
One person I worked with had a similarly warped sense of humor, and, being the only man in the department, was an easy "target." He was very particular about his coffee cup, and the condition of his desk. His hours were 30 minutes earlier than mine, so, of course, this meant that I had essentially unsupervised access to his coffee cup and desk for approximately 30 minutes a day.
One day (not April Fool's) I decided that I was going to "get him" and play this joke. I took his cup and washed it (I would not risk cold coffee dregs splashing), dried it, and carefully used clear packing tape to tape his cup to his desk--in precisely the position he left it.
I had forgotten that the next day I had a "late" day--and not only would I miss seeing my joke in action, he would have essentially unsupervised access to MY desk.
By the time I arrived, EVERYONE in our department was aware of what would happen. They were expecting me to be majorly pissed off--I hadn't worked there very long, and they didn't know my criteria for a good practical joke.
He had, in his unsupervised time, effectively taped or glued down EVERY thing on my desk that could be. I spend the day not being able to move or use things unless I first un stuck them.
I spent the day laughing. I especially remember the tiny nubbin of a pink eraser--smaller than your thumbnail--being taped down, and answering my phone....and having to shout and ask "What?!" a lot because the hand piece had been taped down, and the tape didn't come off on the desk part--I was talking thru the tape to customers.
The only thing that upset me is that he took my "special" memo pad (it had the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz and the 'memo' of "If I only had a brain", and I have never found one even similar since) and glued ALL the pages together. At the end of the day, I quietly told him that while everything else was funny, that was unfair--and I explained to him why.
We spent the next 6 years playing jokes on each other this way--my favorite was to take already existing pics of him, photo copy them bigger or smaller, and place them in Far Side cartoons, or making up fake personal ads and taping them into his daily newspaper.
So, you see, being able to TAKE joke is just as important as being able to pull one off.
Happy Foolin'.....and let's all be careful out there.
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