Give It Up

"With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." ~Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind (movie)

Several years ago, I went through an emotionally painful time. I've blogged about it before, and it's not something I want to dwell on, but the lessons I learned from it continue to serve me well.

During that time, I gave up caring what others' thought of me. I quit giving credence to anyone else's perception of me. Certainly, if someone I respect points out something about me that is less-than-wonderful, I evaluate it. But it is ultimately MY judgement, and MY evaluation of who I am that I count on. I don't base my self-value on what anyone else tell me I am (or I am not).

In other words, I lost my repuation. I just couldn't maintain the level of energy it takes to be more worried about someone else's feelings, especially when that someone else isn't at all concerned about how he or she is treating you.

"He tried to tell me I was too angry, but that always struck me as being more about him than about me. ... And I think it threatens a lot of people when you are angry but even more so when you have a good reason for it." ~Janet Eldred

Yes, I was, and still am, angry about things like being treated as a woman--not that it's all bad, but mostly, it is. Being a woman seems to automatically devalue you. Your thoughts, your ideas, you opinions, even amongst learned, open minded people, are always, for them, colored by that fact that you have a uterus.

Other women see you as competition, or a threat--even if the only sin you've committed is that you continued to suck air in their world. Worse, men seem to, in general, find that sort of woman to be their ideal. If, as a woman, you don't play those womanly games (manipulation in my book), you are still judged by THAT standard anyway.

I have every reason to be angry about that. I've earned the anger--and the right to have it.

It was exhausting having to spend all my time trying to be someone I wasn't--just to have the approval of everyone around me. Whether I respected them or not, they had a claim on me. And I had to respond, appropriately, of course, in order to be given the least of approvals. I hated every minute of it.

And I dammed near offed myself for it. I admit it; I bought into the fairy tale--the one where your value is based on whether or not you managed to catch some poor schmuck unawares and convinced him to marry you. And you ensnared him enough to have gone through with it. How pathetic!

I quit the *girls team* and started one of my own--one where gender doesn't matter and competence and intelligence does.

My life is different because I choose to set my own standards and rules of engagement. I choose what I will be every day. I choose to not have my DNA and reproductive organs be the sum total of my value. I choose to not manipulate others; I choose to not be passive-aggressive. I choose to seek competition with those worthy of beating me--on fair and agreed upon terms. I rejoice in others' successes, and I encourage those I can, when I can find them.

My life is different because I choose to make it so. It wasn't fun, and I do not recommend it, but I can tell you that without the meltdown, there can be no spring.

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