Cold, Hard Cash

I'm beginning this by stating the obvious. Cash = CASH. Credit Cards do not = Cash. Checks do not = Cash.

No matter how many time you try to convince me of that, I'm still NOT going to believe you.

I'm sick and flat out tired of asking idiots who are returning stuff questions and having them lie to me. It's a fairly straight forward process, you fuckwits.

When I ask, "What's the reason for the return?" Do not tell me "it doan work" because, well, dummy, you look like you're not bright enough to own a pair of shoes that lace and tie, I don't really expect you to be able to wire this ceiling fan into the wiring in your house. Let's start over.

"What's the reason for the return?" Again, do not tell me that it's the wrong color. They're zipties, and no one on the planet, save Martha Stewart, expects the color to match anything already existing on the planet. And for the record, the chances of Martha Stewart showcasing your trailer park on any of her numerous borefests are somewhere around waaaayyyyy less than negative 532000. K?

And here we go again...

"What's the reason for the return?" Do not tell me that "dat guy back dare give me de wrong fing." While we employ the odd moron and the occasional idiot-savant, "dat guy back dare" only had the information YOU gave him to work with. I'm guessing it's more along the lines of "dat guy back dare didn't know what I mean 'cuz, hell ya, I don' know what I mean."

Deep breath:

Finally, when we get past the part about where you tell me all about your gall bladder surgery and how it kept you from returning this mouse shit covered box you stored in your basement during a damp 8 month period, when I ask you if you have your receipt, Why do you seem surprised that I'm NOT surprised you don't have it? And when I ask if you remember HOW you paid for it, don't tell me, "I jus' got it last week." Fuckwit, you just told me you were holed up in your house for 6 months recovering from a hangnail. Liar, liar! I only wish I could set you on fire.

When I explain that there's a chance I can use our fancy-schmany new computerized system to find your receipt, do you really believe that lying to me and saying, "Cash" is going to help me find your receipt?

And after I pretend to believe you, and do a search (which, btw, when I ask for your phone number, telling me, "it's in yer puter dare." doesn't really help me help you, yanno? I'm asking because, well, try not to hurt yourself on this concept, most retail establishments do NOT have retina scanning computer ID systems to enlighten us as to who you are--and to warn us to hide from idiots just exactly like you. Just answer my fucking question, will ya?)

Anyway, when I do the search, don't get pissy with me when I don't find your receipt. You LIED to me and made it harder for me to do my job, remember? My job is to pretend to believe you, and follow a proceedure that allows me to help people who tell me the truth.

Oh, and when I inform you that I haven't been able to find your receipt, I'm gonna try really really hard to keep my job and refrain from telling you that your receipt wasn't important enough for you to keep track of...if the deranged company is putting more effort into keeping track of your shit for you than you seem to be, you can move right along into the line to kiss my ass. Thanks for stopping.

And when you finally do admit that you used your VISA, or your DISCOVER card, do NOT get mad when I send the refund back into the electronic ether world you originally paid by. And if, God forbid, you paid with a check less than 15 days ago, it would save everyone a lot of pain and suffering if you'd just stab me in the eye BEFORE you inform me of how many checks you've written in your entire lifetime. As for the 4billion dollars you claim is in that account?

What you're now witnessing is a classic example of Someone Not Giving A Flying Fuck.

That's right, Joe Consumer. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm plankton in the food chain in this lovely devil-besotted company, and I can't do anything about your poor choices when it comes to how you paid.

If you can't get with the new century after more than a year or two, it's really not my problem.

(and for the record, I don't care how many times you tell me that "dis is all we bought. it's on dare" while nodding at the receipt, if the numbers don't match, and the description on the box qualifies as "close but no cigar", I'm unable to use the receipt to refund cash to you. Too bad, so sad, sucks to be you.)