Perspective

I find myself, of late, very angry, and very easy to anger. Especially (only?) at work. Today, a 40 minute drive has helped me, I think, put this in perspective.

'Round about October, one store-level manager apparently got a very figurative bug up his butt. He went from being a smart ass to being an asshole. He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to me. (I've checked, he's been a major jerk to everyone, but he seems to reserve a special venom for me.) I don't know why.

I have suspicions which I won't elaborate on here--but I think, mostly, it has to do with the district manager being scammed, and since the scammer has the same last name I do, they've decided that I am in cahoots with the scammer, regardless of what I said (when asked) and regardless of my job performance up until then/now. He seems rather pissed that I'm not stupid and incompetent.

The winds of stupidity blow forth from him. When I get to work, I actually check to see if he's there--I want to know how stupid I am required to be for the day. (Yes, I believe I've said this to other managers.) It also stems from my asking him and another store level manager about cleaning the men's room...I was an extra person on the front end one Friday night, and if the guy who usually does it wasn't going to get to it, I wanted to know--I'd do double time on the women's room and the break room to be able to help. (I won't go in the men's room while the store is open--I've had enough "close calls" when the store is closed!) The Asshat actually, at one point, after making repeat my question 3x says, "I just quit listening to you."

Now, I know that I talk fast--especially when stressed or pissed, but I was working very hard to make myself clear. I was, I admit, pissed by his snotty comment "He usually gets them done--and he does a great job of it too" (sarcastic, defensive tone here). I countered that with, "I know that, I could tell you that. But what I want to know is if he needs help tonight, because I'm done with covering breaks...." this is the point where he said he quit listening.

I ended this *conversation* with Asshat with, "Well, okay, then. I'll just go back to pretending I'm stupid when you're here. You seem to prefer it that way."

I haven't spoken to him since, unless it was of absolute, customer service necessity. I get a feeling of impending doom coming off him--like he's waiting and watching for me to screw up so he can fire me. It wouldn't bother me so much, but I pointedly asked him, in November, if I'd done something to piss in his oatmeal. He asked me what I meant--so I told him. He said, "No. There's nothing."

I get the impression now, though, that he was lying then...and he's lying in wait now.

I did have a clarifying thought today, though. The reason I feel so inordinately out-of-control and pissed off all the time at work is because this is a man doing this. I am used to this sort of panties in a knot attitude from women. I'm used to being at odds with female supervisors. I'm used to dealing with this as a woman-to-woman issue, not a man. I don't generally threaten men with my demeanor (they are usually either amused or repulsed, never threatened.)

Another smidgen of anger comes from being written up in January. I was wrong, I freely admit that. BUT what bothers me is that what I said, to Asshat, in that meeting, was that I believe I am respected--as a person, on a level equal to any man in the building--not as a woman. How I get treated by managers (in general) and by my co workers (in general) has more to do with being an equal, gender aside/not withstanding.

He seems to have missed the whole point to what I said. I told them, at that time, that I'm a target for insecure women supervisors. I get that. I get that my competence and confidence is seen, by these women, to be an threat to them--my being good, translates, to them, that they are bad. In other words, just by being smart, funny, and competent, I make them look bad. Like I'm competing with them in some obscure misogynistic personality pageant.

Maybe it's the whole "I don't have to work full time" gig they have problems with. Maybe it's the fact that I'm rather head strong and blunt. Maybe it's that all those co workers and managers out there DO actually respect me--even if they don't like me. Maybe it's the fact that I can get results from sluggish and uncooperative sales associates and they can't. Maybe it's that I don't view 98% of the world from their angle.

Whatever it is, I truly do not care. I yam who I yam. I have spent too much time mierable and denying who I am, and I am not trying to appease the unclean masses again. Not ever. I will not sacrifice myself on the altar of stupidity. I won't sell my soul to an asshat in a retail uniform.

I've been asking "What the hell am I supposed to learn this time?" I divine the answer as, "How to finally, really, be like a man when there's conflict."

Is this something I can learn without a teacher?