Shazaam!

It's come to my attention over the past year that I have actually become the woman I wanted to be 20 years ago.

And I hate it.

I spent the first 10 of that 20 miserably trying too hard. Then, I figured what the hell, and just let it go--stopped trying and decided that I would just be happy the way I was. So I spent the next 10 just doing the best I could, and ignoring the assholes who didn't like it. And saying a lot of the stuff that I thought anyway. Why wait 'til I'm old and senile? Just say it now and get over it.

I actually came to enjoy not having to bother much with all the trappings and crap of being a woman--especially the time consuming uninteresting parts. I especially came to glory in being unexpected.

My Sweetie helped immensely in a lot of that. He's a far better person than I am, and he talked me down from many a bell tower in the beginning. Those bell towers are fewer and farther between now, and I've most recently discovered that the bottomless pit of anger and bitterness not only had a bottom, but it's also run very nearly dry.

I know you're thinking, "Sure, that was all fine and sometimes it was dandy, but isn't it better now? To realize you've actually become the person you wanted to be..."

Well, that's easy enough for you to say, 'cuz you haven't just spent 20 freaking years gouging a place for yourself where you're comfortable and happy, just to discover that it was a whole lot of time spent for, what amounts to being, nothing. To realize that I am about 15 years too late to my own life.

Frustrating and discouraging. To counter that awesome feeling, I'm working on adjusting my perspective to believe that it wasn't really ME, it's the rest of the world that is just finally catching up to me. 15 freaking years late.

No wonder 80's fashion is back in style.