Inanimate Objects Are Dumber Than They Appear

So saith the Mumple.

At work, every Spring, they hire a new crop of morons. Usually, there's one or two bright spots--the ones who won't last because they're smart enough to get out quickly--and a whole slew of jerkoffs and idiots.

This year, we have a rousing crew: the ex-teacher who believes that it's okay to not do any work; the former LPN who thinks we're all stupider than her (HAH!); the Turnip, and the Ostrich.

I'm also adding the Cow, who has worked there almost as long as I have, but is currently riding my ass harder than a Pony Express boy being chased by the Comanches.

Those who have former professions refuse to acknowledge that they're new here, and they also refuse to accept than anyone less than a store manager could possibly have anything to teach them. Assholes. The former Florence Nightingale has been to management twice about me--and the hell of it is, I don't even fucking talk to her, or even stand near her. The bitch.

The Ostrich--he's about 7 feet tall, with his panties hanging out, and spends a lot of his time with his eyes bugged out of his head, looking around jerkily, much like the little birdies who frequent the garden center. He is every day of 18 years old, and has already proven he's dumber than the guy whose vocabulary consists of shoulder shrugs and grunts. At least the Grunt manages to find the building when he's scheduled. He also thinks that, being this stupid AND being this new, means that he's qualified to help another cashier if there's an issue, like an asshole customer with a gripe about a price. He can't figure out how to use the phone (yes, I hate to admit it, but he's dumber than Smiley, too) I've personally showed him how to look up an item number at least 300 times...and each and every time, he says, "Oh, I didn't know that."

And if I didn't find the Ostrich annoying as fuck, they now send me the Turnip. The Turnip starts getting on my nerves by being fidgety with the metal kiosk the register resides in. That hinge isn't made to be swung back and forth for upwards of 10 minutes at a time... I fixed that problem by walking over, telling him to watch his head, pulling it out, folding it up and shoving it in where he can't swing it anymore. Then, he spends his entire 8 hour shift, huddled up behind the register--by huddled up, I mean he's making himself nearly invisible there. He watches as upwards of 5 customers line up at my register, and watches from a safe distance as I have to ring up each and every one of them. He refuses to move from immediately behind the register.

Of the 15 or so people they've hired, all but 3 or 4 of them have the amazing ability to become invisible. They stand, mostly behind but not quite near the register, and watch. They watch customers line up. They watch others sweep. They watch us move carts out of the aisles. They don't retain any information about where things are in the garden center, the store, the world.

We (those of us who have spent the past several years out there by ourselves) have figured out that if we put these people on the busiest registers, lines don't move as quickly, but they move. And everyone can be busy, because customers can sense the aura of stupidity on these, and get help from those of us who actually know something, and have the language skills to communicate with them.

My favoritest part of the past two weeks was being out there, and having the supervisor of the day (who was not the Cow) say, "I want you and you on these two busiest registers. I want lines to move." Then, we got to run register and answer questions and do everything ourselves anyway. Instead of using the system that we know works, and you know, have it actually work. (and in the process having these people do the "sink or swim" thing.)

I tried to explain that she might as well send those others back inside, since she was effectively cutting off my nose to spite her face. She snapped, "Well, let's try it my way today." So I snapped, "Oh, yes, of course, I wouldn't know a fucking thing about what would actually work out here!" For the better part of three hours, then, I referred every question, every issue, every problem to her...and whatever she said, I responded with, "of course. I wouldn't know, would I?" She's also on a jag where she constantly telling me to "be nice" as if my being nice would make these people smarter.

I really think I'm getting senile, 'cuz I actually thought that when they scheduled more than one of us at the same time out there, that it'd actually mean there'd be help--you know, that they'd have the newbies who aren't afraid of the phone, the customers, and the register out there.

It's like having indoor plumbing and still pissing outside in your yard.