Woman to Woman: Learning to Say NO
OOOPS! I'm early, because we've been on vacation and I was convinced it was this week! No wonder Mr. Linky wasn't available! lol.
As females, we are raised to be helpers--to make others happy. Even if it's against our basic natures; even if it means sacrificing ourselves on the altar of "greater good".
I have never been that great at that--the whole square peg-round hole bit. I never liked the feeling of being manipulated, and unfortuneately, most of the time, that's what others' would do to get me to do whatever it was. (According to my mother, though, I was just an idiot; but I can site many many times she did the guilt or manipulation thing to get me to do what she wanted). Even at it's best, I was miserable.
I am not a maternal person; nor do I find all things under 4' tall adorable. That does not mean, contrary to popular belief, that I am not a good mother--it simply means that I do not find motherhood to be the end-all be-all of my existance. But I digress.
Learning to say "no" to those people and things that I do not want or need to do or be involved in.
I remember a time, many years ago (ack! I can say "many years ago" with a straight face!) I would agree to do things I didn't want to do. And I would be desperately miserable--mean, nasty, and miserable. I don't remember the last time, though. Why? Because I figured out, after the traumatic year of '99-'00 that there are things I'm just not willing to sacrifice my sense of self for.
One of the biggest things in my life in which this was important was my wedding. I didn't want an huge blow-out. I wanted fewer than 30 people invited--I settled for fewer than 50. I wouldn't budge on it, no matter how much my mother tried to guilt and nag me into inviting cousins I wasn't that close with. Even when the one little troll jerk called me two weeks before the wedding and gave me hell for not inviting him. (He came anyway, and I did get mad enough to inform my mother that if the little fat *$@#* was in the hall afterwards for the reception, I would not be. Yes, at my own wedding, I would boycott the reception. He drove something like 6 hours to attend a 60 minute wedding service, take some pictures and hump my leg in the reception line. Ewww. I shredded all pictures of him afterwards.)
Needless to say, my mother tried, repeatedly, to convince me that this person was worth my time and energy. (He showed up, yet again uninvited, at a Memorial Day picnic during which he ate an exorbitant amount of food that left others who were invited NOT getting even a sniff of some offerings.) At that point, I decided that Dear Abby be damned, this was not a person I want or need in my life. I'll die never regretting saying "No" to this person and all that involves. And the greasy little troll will no longer give me full body hugs that leave me desperately wanting a shower in hot bleach with a scrub brush.
But I digress again.
I suppose it makes me a hardass to say "no" the way I can and do. Even to family. I don't have the self-sacrifice gene that seems to be a requirement for having a uterus. It always seems to shock people that I do have a uterus and I don't have to say "yes" to everything and anything that makes others think I am a "nice" person.
I think the two things, too often, go hand-in-hand. Never say "no" and you are a "nice" person. Basically, being easily manipulated, regardless of the personal cost, in an effort to be seen as "nice" or to be "liked." I'm not a nurturing caretaker kind of gal. I have identified and embraced the dark side--and I see no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed by that.
Give me respect and OP distance any day.
Ages ago, I suppose, I would be considered "unsexed" by my attitude. If it comes to that, they can have my uterus (and all the crap that goes with it) and I'll be happy, smiling and saying, "NO, but thanks for asking" as often as I need to.
*Please forgive my unadulterated siting of previous blogs. It seemed easier than boring you all to tears in repeating myself.
OOOPS! I'm early, because we've been on vacation and I was convinced it was this week! No wonder Mr. Linky wasn't available! lol.
As females, we are raised to be helpers--to make others happy. Even if it's against our basic natures; even if it means sacrificing ourselves on the altar of "greater good".
I have never been that great at that--the whole square peg-round hole bit. I never liked the feeling of being manipulated, and unfortuneately, most of the time, that's what others' would do to get me to do whatever it was. (According to my mother, though, I was just an idiot; but I can site many many times she did the guilt or manipulation thing to get me to do what she wanted). Even at it's best, I was miserable.
I am not a maternal person; nor do I find all things under 4' tall adorable. That does not mean, contrary to popular belief, that I am not a good mother--it simply means that I do not find motherhood to be the end-all be-all of my existance. But I digress.
Learning to say "no" to those people and things that I do not want or need to do or be involved in.
I remember a time, many years ago (ack! I can say "many years ago" with a straight face!) I would agree to do things I didn't want to do. And I would be desperately miserable--mean, nasty, and miserable. I don't remember the last time, though. Why? Because I figured out, after the traumatic year of '99-'00 that there are things I'm just not willing to sacrifice my sense of self for.
One of the biggest things in my life in which this was important was my wedding. I didn't want an huge blow-out. I wanted fewer than 30 people invited--I settled for fewer than 50. I wouldn't budge on it, no matter how much my mother tried to guilt and nag me into inviting cousins I wasn't that close with. Even when the one little troll jerk called me two weeks before the wedding and gave me hell for not inviting him. (He came anyway, and I did get mad enough to inform my mother that if the little fat *$@#* was in the hall afterwards for the reception, I would not be. Yes, at my own wedding, I would boycott the reception. He drove something like 6 hours to attend a 60 minute wedding service, take some pictures and hump my leg in the reception line. Ewww. I shredded all pictures of him afterwards.)
Needless to say, my mother tried, repeatedly, to convince me that this person was worth my time and energy. (He showed up, yet again uninvited, at a Memorial Day picnic during which he ate an exorbitant amount of food that left others who were invited NOT getting even a sniff of some offerings.) At that point, I decided that Dear Abby be damned, this was not a person I want or need in my life. I'll die never regretting saying "No" to this person and all that involves. And the greasy little troll will no longer give me full body hugs that leave me desperately wanting a shower in hot bleach with a scrub brush.
But I digress again.
I suppose it makes me a hardass to say "no" the way I can and do. Even to family. I don't have the self-sacrifice gene that seems to be a requirement for having a uterus. It always seems to shock people that I do have a uterus and I don't have to say "yes" to everything and anything that makes others think I am a "nice" person.
I think the two things, too often, go hand-in-hand. Never say "no" and you are a "nice" person. Basically, being easily manipulated, regardless of the personal cost, in an effort to be seen as "nice" or to be "liked." I'm not a nurturing caretaker kind of gal. I have identified and embraced the dark side--and I see no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed by that.
Give me respect and OP distance any day.
Ages ago, I suppose, I would be considered "unsexed" by my attitude. If it comes to that, they can have my uterus (and all the crap that goes with it) and I'll be happy, smiling and saying, "NO, but thanks for asking" as often as I need to.
*Please forgive my unadulterated siting of previous blogs. It seemed easier than boring you all to tears in repeating myself.
7 comments:
You go girl! You know, when I get bored, I love to hear certain pompous men theorize about life & feminism & womens roles. They always find a way to try to turn women's empowerment into an ego trip for themselves, but still be PC enough to not come right out with their chauvanism. As you say, having a uterus is not a personality trait! Likewise, I wasn't sure whether to punch or laugh hysterically at the guy this morning who told me all about how lucky women are to be able to express the personality traits that are derived from having a uterus..
I've known some of those people who "never say no and are considered the nicest" on earth. They are all too often the self-righteous ones who make me want to run the opposite direction.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Yep, letting your ego drive your involvement is never a good thing! Thank you for your point of view!
loved this post!!
As usual Mumple, you are full of wisdom!
Straight and to the point! Well said and bravo for the bravery I don't have in my little finger.
So honest!!! Loved the post !!!
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