About My Question

So, some of my readers may not know the history of weddings in my family.

I have to go all the way back to 2000 to begin to explain. My brother was getting married. He was being a paranoid Groomzilla. Seriously, his bride didn't get nutty until AFTER the wedding. Every time he got mad at anyone else in our family or hers, he threw me out of the wedding. In all, there were three times I got the boot. The insanity stopped after I had paid for the dress (which, to her credit, was NOT atrocious nor was it horribly expensive. Shoes, I got for even cheaper because the company had my size on back order. But, I digress.) Part of the reason it stopped was that his bride was informed, in a humorous fashion, that I was, yet again, OUT of the wedding. I had already informed him that unless he paid for my dress and shoes, guess what I was wearing to the wedding, regardless of whether I was in the bridal party or not. Yeppers, that dress and those shoes. And if I wasn't invited, I'd cheerfully explain to any and all askers why I wasn't. (He's an ass.) Needless to say, I was back IN. (On a side note, my Sweetie was happy that he missed the wedding-party-decision making process by a few months when we got together. HAH! He should have known better--since they got married shortly after 9-11, and airline service was still wonky at that time, one of the groomsmen backed out mere DAYS before the ceremony. My Sweetie was asked to pinch hit, and adjustments were made in the order we processed in so my Sweetie and I could hold hands.) Several members of my immediate family were informed, shortly before the ceremony, also, that our alcohol intake would be monitored, and if we didn't "behave" to his Majesty the Groom's specs, we would be ejected from the reception. (It was fun to know that I would not be drinking, because I had a Howler in the Oven, and vindication that it was the bride's family that almost came to blows, not us. HAH!)

Anyway, that was my first taste of wedding insanity. I didn't enjoy it, and while I appreciated that I didn't look like a deranged refugee from the trailer park cotillion, it really wasn't my idea of a good time.

We come to my wedding, Fall '02. I wanted a church wedding, but I wasn't interested in having a huge blow-out affair (in part because of the crap over my brother's wedding the previous year.) My Sweetie was fine with whatever I wanted. What I truly wanted was fewer than 30 people (including the wedding party) and I was satisfied with fewer than 50.

In the course of deciding who was in the fewer than 50 category, I axed all cousins, including first cousins. I didn't invite the one or two friends I really would have liked to have there, and they mostly understood. It was also the idea that "It's HER wedding, she should have it HER way."

That subtlety was lost on one of my cousins. Not one I was particularly close to, either. Remarkably enough, it wasn't a girl cousin, either. I hadn't been overly impressed with this guy for a while anyway, and I didn't invite ANY cousins at all.

I cannot stress enough that the only arguement that took place between the bride (me) and ANY one else was over my choice in dresses. I was happy with it, and that's all that mattered to me. I did "put my foot down" regarding my flowers. My dress wasn't white, but I wanted my flowers to be. What my mom (God love her, she did 90% of the running around!) first chose was NOT white flowers. She had to change it. Big deal. Two "problems" I wasn't willing to budge on.

Hell, I let my bridesmaid (my sister) choose her dress--I was happy that she was happy with what she chose. I sent a swatch to my soon-to-be sister in law because her youngest daughter was going to be a junior bridesmaid, and told her, "Match this. Let her pick the dress she likes." Wear your hair the way you like.

I didn't argue over menu. I didn't argue over decorations (they were, in fact, loaned to me by my brother's bride--and she did the decorating design. I didn't care what she did, and I wasn't disappointed--it was beautiful and tasteful.)

Anyway, about 2 weeks before my wedding, I get phone call from my asshole cousin. He's bitching me out for not inviting him, and demands that I invite him (and his family). The Howler was in the middle of having a breathing episode, and I was still working full time. I was caught off guard.

He insisted that I issue him an invite. I didn't. He came anyway. He drove about 4 hours from his home to our mutual hometown, and then the 40 minutes to the wedding ceremony that day. (I couldn't bar him from the actual wedding ceremony because the church was "open to the public"--yes, I checked, and even the priest would not. He assured me, however, that even thought the reception was being held in the church hall, I could refuse to have him admitted to that. So I did.)

My mother informed me the Thursday before my wedding. (Keeping in mind that it was "inconsiderate" of me to plan my wedding for a Saturday in October, but it was totally fine for my brother's wedding to be a Saturday in September the prior year. There's no way to fathom my mother's thought processes.) I was, to say the least, beyond pissed off. I was more than angry when my mother suggested I call my Aunt (or this ass) and go ahead and invite him. I refused.

My mother said that SHE would invite him and his family to come to the dinner. She used the excuse that he had a 5-year-old daughter. I informed my mother that I was NOT the one who told him to come, uninvited. I was NOT going to be at my own reception if that little blankety blank blank (yeah, the language I used was well beyond my usual potty mouth, and I won't repeat it, it was that bad) woud be there.

She tried to use my MIL as a weapon. (Oh, c'mon, you can't do that to Kevin's mother.) I told her that I was sure his mother would understand that my mother was choosing my asshole cousin over ME.

I'm not one for ultimatums. They set bad precedents and rarely work out the way you want them to. I set one for her then.

If so much as one cookie from my reception goes to that fat little f-er and/or his family, I will know that you choose HIM over ME. It's put up or shut up time, Mom. ME or them. I have been totally okay with EVERY THING everyone else wanted for this wedding. I have made accommodations for EVERY ONE else. I will NOT on this point. If he's in that hall, I won't be. Period. You can say whatever else you want--but I. WILL. NOT. BE. THERE.

The little buttwipe "snuck" in late.

I decided there and then, that I wasn't going to live this way--and that I would have no regrets. Since then, I have contact with him only during family reunions, and that usually involves me walking away from him at every opportunity. (No one except those in my immediate family know about what I think about him and why.) I spend a lot of time biting my tongue.

For the longest time, my mother spent a lot of energy trying to get me to "make up" to him. Part of the problem is that this self centered moron has never noticed that he's not welcome in my life or home. He hasn't noticed that I have nothing to say to him when we do happen to be in the same room. He hasn't noticed the barely concealled disgust in my voice if I do have to speak to him.

There are nuances in here too numerous to mention. I'll just say that unless he was totally choosing to ignore my dislike and disgust, there's no way he should have missed it.

Until now. In March, my grandmother celebrated her 90th birthday. My mother planned a birthday dinner, and it was nice to see my grandmother be surprised and happy to have a birthday. (My grandmother also believed that I OWED the asshole an invite--and that he was perfectly right in bitching my out before hand and in "crashing" my wedding.) At the dinner, he tried to hug me, and aside from the whole "ewww" factor I feel around him aside from the wedding thing, I just wasn't doing it. I told him, "I don't think so. NO." and threw his arm off my shoulders.

He apparently asked my sister if I was mad at him. She told him she didn't know. He noticed, but so far, hasn't even tried to contact me to find out for sure. (I can't say I blame my sister, but still, she should have told him, at least, to ask me for himself.)

Anyway, with the other side of my family (the Ass is from my mom's side, the etiquette-challenged groom from the previous post is from my dad's side) doing their wedding invite shuffle has caused my mother and my brother to tell me that I am no better than the Ass.

While I don't believe that's true. My brother's family was in the same boat with their daughters being told to "save the date" and then not invited, and HE benefits from my being "ass" enough to call and ask--again, I called and stated my confusion over the "save the date" and invite discrepancies, I was never going to drag either of the spawn to a wedding they were not invited to. And I would NEVER have demanded that my spawn be invited, either. I simply wanted to know if I misunderstood. I also wanted to be able to let my Aunt (my dad's sister) know, when I had to tell her why the Howler (nor me & my Sweetie) would be there.

To this day, I do not feel badly in my decision to stop speaking to the Ass. I do not miss him. I don't have smart aleck asshole comments whenever I am at a family reunion and trying to have a conversation. I don't have to listen to his diatribes and I don't have him humping my leg. Yes, I'm still angry, but it's more at the fact that he decided, at some point, that it was okay to disrespect me while saying that he cared.

He is a manipulative jerk, a bully. He wanted to make ME do what he said to do. He wanted to be more important on my wedding day than either my Sweetie or I. I said, "No." and meant it. I haven't regretted it. I still feel very angry sometimes, but I think that in any situation where someone makes you feel disrespected and diminished, when someone puts you in a position to have to draw a line in your life that should never have to be drawn, it's normal to still feel angry, even almost 6 years later.

But it also makes me angry that the difference in these two situations is lost by those who were there--who saw and heard and knew what he did to me and that they would equate ME with HIM. If it weren't a wedding, would they still? If I had allowed myself to be manipulated for my wedding, would they think more of me now (God, but that one makes me want to throw up)? I don't expect anyone else in my family to "take my side" and to shut him out the way I have (I have, however, made it clear that they are not to ambush me with him in anyway, and they aren't to expect me to show interest in their contact with him.) I think, overall, I have been as mature as a person can be, when confronted with this kind of emotional blackmail by a family member.

Too bad I can't be like my brother and just conveniently "forget" the crappy stuff that revolved around my wedding and my own behavior at that time...oh, wait. I wasn't the one being a jerk then. Ahhh. No wonder it's so difficult for others.