Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you still make a mistake. You read some thing (or someone) wrong and you've mistaken their behavior. Sometimes, it's wishful thinking and sometimes, it's just that they have, for whatever reason, their own hangups and you made a mistake.
It's a bitch.
I hate when I do that. It frustrates me, and that, in turn, makes me angry. Much like Bruce Banner, "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." I don't go green and I don't have purple hair, but, it's still not attractive.
I stomp. I swear. I mutter. I don't like it.
And, it makes it worse when it's not something that I can just go up to that person and say, "Hey, jackass, WTF is the problem here?" I do realize that sometimes, okay, many times, talking may not fix things--and sometimes, talking would just dilute the issue further, or frustrate me further.
And, in this particular instance, it may not even be something that this person is aware that he's doing. He is just *like that*. Or maybe he does know, but he doesn't know how to change it; he may not want to change it.
Whatever.
It's also frustrating that I have to be honest here and admit that at least some of my anger is residual. It's not entirely caused by him, and it's not fair to dump it all on him--or anyone else for that matter.
I thought I'd resolved all this within myself.
That frustrates me too--that it creeps out of whatever crevice in my soul it's been hiding in. It makes me grit my teeth and my jaw hurts.
I'm trying very hard to not be bitter about this. But it is disappointing to discover that someone whom I trusted and respected isn't fully deserving of it. And it hurts that it's looks like it's because I'm a woman--if I were a man, I'd have his respect and his reaction(s) to problems I have would be different. (Of course, if I were a man, I wouldn't have some of the problems, so it'd be more of a win-win for him, if not for me.)
I have been making an effort to "Get over it" and let this not be what I live.
I'm learning from this. I can be hurt; I can be angry; I can be disappointed; but I do not have to be bitter. I do not have to have all that sticking out in lumps. And I do not have to believe (or accept) that it's okay. (Because it's not.) I deserve better; I've earned better.
And whether or not I have that respect from this person, it doesn't make me stupid for having believed that I did have it. It means that I'm human, and that I make mistakes.
What I am doing now is learning. I am learning how to not grit my teeth (my jaw really does hurt!). I am learning. I am better than this anger. I am better.
Sometimes, you don't get what you deserve. And sometimes, sometimes, you just realize that you will be okay anyway.
It's a bitch.
I hate when I do that. It frustrates me, and that, in turn, makes me angry. Much like Bruce Banner, "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." I don't go green and I don't have purple hair, but, it's still not attractive.
I stomp. I swear. I mutter. I don't like it.
And, it makes it worse when it's not something that I can just go up to that person and say, "Hey, jackass, WTF is the problem here?" I do realize that sometimes, okay, many times, talking may not fix things--and sometimes, talking would just dilute the issue further, or frustrate me further.
And, in this particular instance, it may not even be something that this person is aware that he's doing. He is just *like that*. Or maybe he does know, but he doesn't know how to change it; he may not want to change it.
Whatever.
It's also frustrating that I have to be honest here and admit that at least some of my anger is residual. It's not entirely caused by him, and it's not fair to dump it all on him--or anyone else for that matter.
I thought I'd resolved all this within myself.
That frustrates me too--that it creeps out of whatever crevice in my soul it's been hiding in. It makes me grit my teeth and my jaw hurts.
I'm trying very hard to not be bitter about this. But it is disappointing to discover that someone whom I trusted and respected isn't fully deserving of it. And it hurts that it's looks like it's because I'm a woman--if I were a man, I'd have his respect and his reaction(s) to problems I have would be different. (Of course, if I were a man, I wouldn't have some of the problems, so it'd be more of a win-win for him, if not for me.)
I have been making an effort to "Get over it" and let this not be what I live.
I'm learning from this. I can be hurt; I can be angry; I can be disappointed; but I do not have to be bitter. I do not have to have all that sticking out in lumps. And I do not have to believe (or accept) that it's okay. (Because it's not.) I deserve better; I've earned better.
And whether or not I have that respect from this person, it doesn't make me stupid for having believed that I did have it. It means that I'm human, and that I make mistakes.
What I am doing now is learning. I am learning how to not grit my teeth (my jaw really does hurt!). I am learning. I am better than this anger. I am better.
Sometimes, you don't get what you deserve. And sometimes, sometimes, you just realize that you will be okay anyway.
3 comments:
I find myself struggling with the same thing--I think it's part of the human experience, learning to live with everyone and their oddities/faults (including my own)
An interesting read, thanks!
I think every self respecting woman has had the same jaw problem. Mine is still hurting from the clenching I gave it last night.
Post a Comment