Disclaimers: *This isn't so much a rant as an entire theory I've come up with about women and men, and how they get respect. The technical terms and research are all anecdotal, so bear with me--and you psychology types, make sure you give me credit when you publish.
**For the record, if you have a problem with the word *penis*, you best excuse yourself now. It'll be running rampant through this column (~snark~) and I can't be responsible beyond this point.
I developed this theory well before I was married, but being married hasn't made it less valid--it just reinforces what I had already come to believe.
This is my PENIS BY PROXY theory: If you have penis, you have immediate credibility. You can be a junkie, a molester, a jerk, a jackass, a moron, a genius, a redneck, a metrosexual...whatever you are, if you have a penis, YOU WIN. Period. Your ideas, even for lead underwear, are great. The words that come out of your mouth, drunk, sober, or stupid, carry more weight with more than 50% of the world than the same words coming out of any woman's mouth at any time.
You have a penis. You get respect for doing nothing. You can lose IQ points every time you piss, but, hey, buddy! Great idea. Great thinking. Great job. Even if the job you did was to vomit in your own shoes.
I was not born with a penis.
When I was single, I was automatically discounted in validity of ideas, points, problems, what-have-you, because I had no penis, there was no way I could be taken as seriously as a man, or a married woman.
Divorced women, well, they were still a bit above me on the food chain--you see, they HAD acquired a penis, if temporary, or short term. At least they'd HAD one.
When I got married, I noticed that this theory was correct. As soon as I could show a wedding band on my left hand, my credibility went up. Since I now had at least gotten some poor schmuck (Kevin is not a schmuck, btw, but he did marry me) to marry me.
And, let me tell you, a penis by proxy has changed my life. I still can't write my name in the snow, BUT I can tell you that no matter who I'm dealing with, if I can work the words, "My husband says/does the same thing." into the conversation, my rating goes up.
Adding the *Mrs.* before my name adds weight to my words and ideas.And, if it's something that isn't relative to my husband, so what? Why would I want to be considered intelligent and capable on my own? Really. (This is sarcasm, if you don't recognize it). What more do I need in life? I have a husband to submit to, what else would I possibly need?
So, my Penis by Proxy theory, in a nutshell, is that as long as you've been born with a penis, or have acquired one through marriage, you are a person to be taken seriously. No matter how often you need help to find your own ass.
Think about it. Until/unless you marry, you are a persona non grata. Once you get that penis by proxy, you just got a little smarter, a little prettier, a little BETTER than the other penis-less women out there.
(another btw for ya: Kevin hates that name, and he doesn't like the theory. I think it's because he knows I'm right).
**For the record, if you have a problem with the word *penis*, you best excuse yourself now. It'll be running rampant through this column (~snark~) and I can't be responsible beyond this point.
I developed this theory well before I was married, but being married hasn't made it less valid--it just reinforces what I had already come to believe.
This is my PENIS BY PROXY theory: If you have penis, you have immediate credibility. You can be a junkie, a molester, a jerk, a jackass, a moron, a genius, a redneck, a metrosexual...whatever you are, if you have a penis, YOU WIN. Period. Your ideas, even for lead underwear, are great. The words that come out of your mouth, drunk, sober, or stupid, carry more weight with more than 50% of the world than the same words coming out of any woman's mouth at any time.
You have a penis. You get respect for doing nothing. You can lose IQ points every time you piss, but, hey, buddy! Great idea. Great thinking. Great job. Even if the job you did was to vomit in your own shoes.
I was not born with a penis.
When I was single, I was automatically discounted in validity of ideas, points, problems, what-have-you, because I had no penis, there was no way I could be taken as seriously as a man, or a married woman.
Divorced women, well, they were still a bit above me on the food chain--you see, they HAD acquired a penis, if temporary, or short term. At least they'd HAD one.
When I got married, I noticed that this theory was correct. As soon as I could show a wedding band on my left hand, my credibility went up. Since I now had at least gotten some poor schmuck (Kevin is not a schmuck, btw, but he did marry me) to marry me.
And, let me tell you, a penis by proxy has changed my life. I still can't write my name in the snow, BUT I can tell you that no matter who I'm dealing with, if I can work the words, "My husband says/does the same thing." into the conversation, my rating goes up.
Adding the *Mrs.* before my name adds weight to my words and ideas.And, if it's something that isn't relative to my husband, so what? Why would I want to be considered intelligent and capable on my own? Really. (This is sarcasm, if you don't recognize it). What more do I need in life? I have a husband to submit to, what else would I possibly need?
So, my Penis by Proxy theory, in a nutshell, is that as long as you've been born with a penis, or have acquired one through marriage, you are a person to be taken seriously. No matter how often you need help to find your own ass.
Think about it. Until/unless you marry, you are a persona non grata. Once you get that penis by proxy, you just got a little smarter, a little prettier, a little BETTER than the other penis-less women out there.
(another btw for ya: Kevin hates that name, and he doesn't like the theory. I think it's because he knows I'm right).
1 comment:
This is oh so true, unfortunately. If you insist you are right, then sit back and laugh at them when they fail miserably and you *were* right, it just pisses them off and they call you a bad word that rhymes with witch.
While I have a PBP, I try not to use it as such, and really don't think about it. I was irritated the other day when my BPP said to me, "So and so isn't wearing her wedding ring, they must have divorced."
I rarely to never wear mine, and that makes me want to wear it less, I'm sortof stubborn and would rather be called a bad word than a sell-out.
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