I went shopping this week for bras.
I had to try some on to find out what size. I don't need someone else fingering the girls to figure out what fits. Luckily, WalMart does not offer this service.
I discovered that the girls are bigger than they were. I've lost about 10lbs, so this surprised me. I'm assuming gravity has a hand in this, and it's not as exciting as it was, all those ages ago, when I went from A cups to Bs.
It's also not nearly as exciting as needing to buy bigger bras because pregnancy has made them humongous. Actually, at that point, I think the girls were what would be classified as "knockers" because they were big enough to knock things over--not the least of which was me, if, for any reason, they had gained momentum of their own.
At that point, I also experienced the loathsome feeling that certain men were talking to them, not me. It was creepy, and not at all fun. At first, I didn't know what had changed. Apparently, if your tits become roughly the size of small watermelons in a short period of time, you actually do lose intelligence points.
After giving birth, they did shrink back to *normal* size, and yet again, I was on the hunt for bras.
There are few things more traumatic than shopping for a bra, and even being not-so body conscious and not really worrying about the size enumeration, I did not enjoy it then. I did not enjoy it now.
I was Howlerless for a few hours, and it was a task that had to be done. Desperately.
So, off to WalMart's women's department, to peruse the choices. Every blasted one of them was padded with underwires.
I don't mean to be rude, but I'm confused as to why, exactly, an A cup needs a sturdy underwire. These are hooters that do not hoot. They are knockers that do not knock. They are barely a mouthful. They can be free and lose and not look free and loose, unless, of course, the temperatures drop or someone rubs them the right way.
The few models that did not have hardware that would prohibit you from boarding the airplane were barely more than ace bandages with straps and a pretty rose applique.
All but the ace bandages also had padding. (Apparently, for your $4.88, you aren't getting any of the *good* stuff). Padding, in an A cup, I understand. If you're a member of the IBTC, padding can be a good thing.
I don't wear an A cup, so I didn't spend much time pondering this.
I am looking for the larger sizes--and every blasted one of them has padding. I am astounded that the "Nurvy Curvy" bras for plus sizes have padding. Enough padding to suit up a football team.
Let's get serious. These are not ideas that were stitched together by women. Women know that padding bunches after too many washings, even on the gentle cycle. Not many women today have the time for hand washing, and I assume, even if they did, the damned padding would still bunch up eventually, rendering the bra useless. Who wants lumpy looking breasts? Who wants their very personal, up front areas bunched up in an odd, unnatural fashion--other than Madonna, I mean.
God knows I don't.
Padding also itches, and for someone who is full-speed ahead into menopause and hot flashes, any kind of insulation is a bad idea.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that someone who is a 48DD needs, or wants padding.
And every one of these Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders was labelled as being designed "for women, by women" in some fashion.
Just who are they shitting? Even if you believe that the average IQ of all WalMart bra shoppers may not be that high, I'm sure at least some of us CAN read this lie and identify it as a lie.
I had to try some on to find out what size. I don't need someone else fingering the girls to figure out what fits. Luckily, WalMart does not offer this service.
I discovered that the girls are bigger than they were. I've lost about 10lbs, so this surprised me. I'm assuming gravity has a hand in this, and it's not as exciting as it was, all those ages ago, when I went from A cups to Bs.
It's also not nearly as exciting as needing to buy bigger bras because pregnancy has made them humongous. Actually, at that point, I think the girls were what would be classified as "knockers" because they were big enough to knock things over--not the least of which was me, if, for any reason, they had gained momentum of their own.
At that point, I also experienced the loathsome feeling that certain men were talking to them, not me. It was creepy, and not at all fun. At first, I didn't know what had changed. Apparently, if your tits become roughly the size of small watermelons in a short period of time, you actually do lose intelligence points.
After giving birth, they did shrink back to *normal* size, and yet again, I was on the hunt for bras.
There are few things more traumatic than shopping for a bra, and even being not-so body conscious and not really worrying about the size enumeration, I did not enjoy it then. I did not enjoy it now.
I was Howlerless for a few hours, and it was a task that had to be done. Desperately.
So, off to WalMart's women's department, to peruse the choices. Every blasted one of them was padded with underwires.
I don't mean to be rude, but I'm confused as to why, exactly, an A cup needs a sturdy underwire. These are hooters that do not hoot. They are knockers that do not knock. They are barely a mouthful. They can be free and lose and not look free and loose, unless, of course, the temperatures drop or someone rubs them the right way.
The few models that did not have hardware that would prohibit you from boarding the airplane were barely more than ace bandages with straps and a pretty rose applique.
All but the ace bandages also had padding. (Apparently, for your $4.88, you aren't getting any of the *good* stuff). Padding, in an A cup, I understand. If you're a member of the IBTC, padding can be a good thing.
I don't wear an A cup, so I didn't spend much time pondering this.
I am looking for the larger sizes--and every blasted one of them has padding. I am astounded that the "Nurvy Curvy" bras for plus sizes have padding. Enough padding to suit up a football team.
Let's get serious. These are not ideas that were stitched together by women. Women know that padding bunches after too many washings, even on the gentle cycle. Not many women today have the time for hand washing, and I assume, even if they did, the damned padding would still bunch up eventually, rendering the bra useless. Who wants lumpy looking breasts? Who wants their very personal, up front areas bunched up in an odd, unnatural fashion--other than Madonna, I mean.
God knows I don't.
Padding also itches, and for someone who is full-speed ahead into menopause and hot flashes, any kind of insulation is a bad idea.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that someone who is a 48DD needs, or wants padding.
And every one of these Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders was labelled as being designed "for women, by women" in some fashion.
Just who are they shitting? Even if you believe that the average IQ of all WalMart bra shoppers may not be that high, I'm sure at least some of us CAN read this lie and identify it as a lie.
2 comments:
Bathing suit shopping is by far the worst. What better to make you feel like a fat ass then standing in front of an enormous mirror under flourescent lighting, looking at yur love handles and dimpled thighs? And my H wonders why I come home from bathing suit shopping in tears...
Ha ha!
You can't shop for bras at our Walmart, because they are situated right in the middle of the aisle between electronics and 10 year old boys clothes. Brilliant product placement if you want to sell lots of underwear. Oh, and you are absolutely right about washing padded bras.
If you want more entertainment than bra shopping, do a search for an online bra size calculator and put in your measurements in about 4 of them. You will come up with 4 different bra sizes, guaranteed. The ones I got were 36AA, 34D, 38D, and 38A. None of which are the size I actually wear...
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